SLEEP, SEX + RELATIONSHIPS
Sex and Sleep: Perfect Bedfellows?
What if the key to a thriving relationship isn’t found in the bedroom—but in the bed itself? Could better sleep unlock better sex, deeper emotional intimacy, and greater pleasure? And if great sleep leads to great sex, could great sex bring you even deeper sleep?
Let’s start by exploring the concept of sleeping together versus sleeping apart, or what some call a “sleep divorce”, though I prefer the alternative phrase of, a new sleep alliance.
The Case for a Sleep Divorce
A survey conducted by the Sleep Council in England found that one in four people in a relationship leave their shared bed to sleep on a sofa or in a spare room to ensure they get a good night’s rest. Similarly, the National Sleep Foundation in the United States discovered that 25% of couples admit to sleeping in separate beds. These numbers might even underestimate the practice.
Why? Forty-five percent of couples are too ashamed to admit they sleep apart, according to further surveys. More recent data suggest that up to 30–40% of couples now sleep separately.
One reason for this reluctance to acknowledge separate sleeping arrangements is the stigma surrounding the idea. Many people mistakenly assume that if a couple isn’t sleeping together, they’re also not being intimate. But the science paints a different picture.
Why Sharing a Bed Impacts Sleep
Research shows that sharing a bed often leads to worse sleep. For example:
- When one partner moves during the night, there’s a 50% chance the other partner will wake up or experience fragmented sleep.
- Objective measurements, such as those from sleep trackers or laboratory studies, consistently show that individuals sleep better alone than with a partner.
Despite these findings, couples frequently report that they feel more satisfied with their sleep when they share a bed. This could be due to societal expectations or a genuine sense of connection. Either way, the evidence is clear: sleeping apart often results in better-quality sleep.
A New Perspective: The Sleep Alliance
While the term “sleep divorce” is commonly used, Dr. Wendy Troxel, a leading expert in the field, suggests a more positive term: a “new sleep alliance.” Whatever you call it, more couples are embracing this strategy for better rest.
It’s important to note that this approach isn’t for everyone. Many couples enjoy the comfort, safety, and routine of sleeping together. Saying goodnight and waking up next to each other can strengthen emotional bonds.
But if you or your partner are consistently struggling with poor sleep due to shared sleeping arrangements, it might be worth experimenting with sleeping apart. Here’s how:
Four Steps to Explore a Sleep Divorce
- Know Your Needs: Be honest with yourself about what you require for restful sleep.
- Communicate with Your Partner: Have an open, gentle conversation about your needs. Avoid being defensive or accusatory.
- Experiment Temporarily: Suggest trying a new arrangement for a few weeks to see if it works. If it doesn’t, you can always return to co-sleeping.
- Maintain Intimacy: Even if you sleep apart, prioritize bedtime and morning rituals. For example: text your partner when you’re ready for bed to share a goodnight kiss or cuddle, or in the morning, invite your partner into your room for a warm embrace to start the day.
By taking these steps, you can enjoy the benefits of sleeping apart while preserving your emotional and physical connection.
Getting quality sleep isn’t just about feeling rested—it has profound effects on your relationship. Research shows that well-rested couples are more likely to:
- Have functional, happy relationships with less conflict.
- Experience heightened levels of intimacy.
- Maintain higher levels of reproductive hormones like testosterone and estrogen.
In contrast, sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on relationships. Couples who don’t get enough sleep are more prone to arguments and less likely to resolve conflicts effectively. Why? Sleep deprivation reduces empathy, making it harder to understand your partner’s emotions and needs.
Lack of sleep significantly impacts reproductive health. Here’s what the research reveals:
Men:
- Young men who sleep just five hours a night for one week have testosterone levels equivalent to someone 10 years older.
- This means insufficient sleep can age a man’s reproductive health by a decade.
Women:
- Women who sleep poorly are 30% more likely to have irregular menstrual cycles.
- Sleep deprivation reduces levels of key hormones, including:
- Estrogen
- Luteinizing hormone
- Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH)
- Testosterone
These hormonal changes result in lower sexual desire and impaired sexual arousal. For example, high estrogen levels are crucial for vaginal lubrication and increased sexual desire in women.
On the flip side, adequate sleep has the opposite effect. Studies show that just one extra hour of sleep increases a woman’s likelihood of wanting to be intimate by 14%. Women who sleep longer also report greater genital sensitivity, enhancing their sexual experiences.
Interestingly, the relationship between sleep and sex is bidirectional. Just as sleep can enhance intimacy, sex can improve sleep. Here’s how:
- Sex, especially when it culminates in orgasm, releases hormones like oxytocin and prolactin. These hormones promote relaxation and facilitate deeper, higher-quality sleep.
- Even masturbation has similar effects. Orgasms achieved through self-stimulation help people fall asleep faster and report better sleep quality.
This means that intimacy—whether shared or solo—can serve as a natural sleep aid.
The science is clear: sleep and sex are deeply interconnected. Sleep is a cornerstone of physical and emotional well-being, and it’s also foundational to a happy, fulfilling relationship.
Here are the key takeaways:
- Poor sleep disrupts emotional connection, reduces empathy, and increases conflict in relationships.
- Sleep deprivation impairs reproductive hormones, leading to reduced sexual desire and satisfaction.
- On the other hand, quality sleep enhances intimacy, and intimacy improves sleep quality.
For couples struggling to find balance, exploring a “sleep divorce” or new sleep arrangement could be transformative. Remember, this isn’t about creating distance—it’s about prioritizing both partners’ needs for better sleep and a stronger relationship.
Where does this all leave us then? What is the price of take-home mental furniture? Perhaps it is simply this: sleep really is the new sex.
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